I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
