Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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