"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
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