Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Randomize
