What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
