There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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