I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
