I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
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