Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
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