toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
don't judge my taste in strippers
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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