he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
