Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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