Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
