Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Randomize
