My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
