the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I am one with the molecules
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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