you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
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Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
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SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
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