Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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