Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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