I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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