I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
