My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
