If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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