God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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