Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
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