Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
