yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Randomize
