So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
