So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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