a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
