Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
