Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
