Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Everclear isn't food dammit
Randomize
