sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
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