I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
