mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
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