His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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