In the future we'll all be gay
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
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So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
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told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Randomize