life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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