Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
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I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
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Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
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