Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
