The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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