i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
