Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
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