Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
