Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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