i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
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