yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
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