so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
You smell like stripper and shame
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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