I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
