she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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