I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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