If i could tip my vagina, i would.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
