Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
