No awkward lesbian experiences without me
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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