never play flip cup with pint glasses
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
