Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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