And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
