Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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