I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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